slowly she turned

Good morning! Two weeks since I’ve written and I have to say that I am feeling better about retirement. Really good, actually. People who know me well said that they thought getting away from my job would be good for my stress level, and they are right. Even though I’m keeping up with the totally FUBAR situation that UNCG is right now (note: Richard Barton and Mark Elliott are faculty that I supported as admin, and Rick is a personal friend as well), I feel so much calmer without checking that work email constantly and without the view of the administration building through the window behind me. I often turned to that office window and gave that view a double bird. My hope is that the faculty will hold a vote of no confidence at the very least.

Anyway, my Social Security application was approved and I’ll get my first check in March. I was concerned about the possible government shutdown, so I’m glad I decided to go ahead with this. It’s a relief. I was surprised that my dental and vision insurance through COBRA would be the same cost as now, and after COBRA it may not be much more expensive, but with a much lower maximum. I was born with a wonky set of teeth due to my mother taking tetracycline when I was in her womb, so my mouth is full of old fillings and root canals and crowns. So, I’m feeling much more secure as far as income and insurance.

The pandemic shutdown was good training for this. I learned that Sandy and I could be together in the house all day and night day after day without murdering each other. Therapy helped me a lot too – I don’t get as irritated at little things any more. If we weren’t both introverts, it might have been much harder. It’s good that we mostly leave each other to do whatever we want to do.

However, I am still concerned about my almost overwhelming desire to stay home. This week has been bitter cold, with today’s high in the 20s and the wind chill has been brutal, so I’ve given myself a pass as far as cocooning on the worst days. On Sunday I went to brunch with the friends I planned to go with to London/Cornwall in May, and I did go out to grocery shop this week and for a massage last night, and Wednesday evening we both went to Oden Brewing, where they roasted oysters outside for customer appreciation. The owners are our neighbors too, so it would be good to get to know them better. We met another couple at the firepit that I enjoyed talking to, but later I looked them up on Facebook and they are major MAGA, so I won’t be pursuing that friendship. Can’t respect a Trumpie who condones criminality and cruelty.

The trick is, I learned, that I’m going to have to find some things outside of the house to do by myself. Sandy is quite willing to go with me for almost any errand but that willingness fooled me into thinking that I was not agoraphobic back before I was diagnosed. After all, I went out all the time with Sandy, didn’t I? I was not housebound. What I hadn’t thought about, before that fateful trip alone to Penland in June 2001, was that the only places that I went to alone were work, the grocery store, and to see my mother. Driving alone to other places started giving me panic attacks. Yikes. And I used to drive alone for miles for work and to see family, and just to joyride at times. Next week is supposed to warm up considerably, so I’m going to get back to walking every day. I think that I’ll drive to a different neighborhood or park every day by myself and walk. That should be good behavioral therapy.

Tonight we are going to a party with friends for a milestone birthday, and tomorrow will probably be a soup cooking day. I’ve been weaving tapestry, and I finished Demon Copperhead. I’m reading a lot more now. I’ll write another post about the other stuff going on in my life and in my head, but I wanted to address the retirement and agoraphobia issues in this post and get them out of the way. There will be photos soon, if Substack will accept them!